Monthly Archives: May 2014

I am Being Taken Away Today…

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I can imagine that right now, your mind if rife with colourful visions of me being taken away to some retirement home, flailing my arms around like some kind of shrivelled up old rag doll whilst profusely yelling something about being afraid of leaving my pet dog at home alone, even though the dog died seven years ago, and I had in correlation, been both feeding and bathing a paper towel tube with four small straws attached to it for said seven years…Because that’s what old folk do apparently.

More realistically and far closer to the truth, later today I shall be taking a break from my far too obviously mundane, obsessively self loathing life. I am travelling up to the the nipple inverting, chilly peaks of Scotland, a place to which remains the only destination other than my home that still holds anything I find even remotely interesting, or more importantly, constitutes any validity on my parting with any amount of money.

I will return soon though, so keep those little peepers peeled!

The Forest: First Impressions

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Today, I took it upon myself to purchase The Forest. A game to which my dear nephew had done nothing but blabber on about for months on end. Surely, if that self entitled little ass-weasel expected this game to be nothing short of willy-hardeningly astonishing, he had to be right! Oh, how disappointed and shocked he was. In fact, I Haven’t seen such a level of stupendous, nauseating disgust on a persons face since that time in 1944 when Adolph Hitler turned up at the British Gas headquarters wearing nothing but his shower cap.

Let me make like Jack the Ripper and not just beat around the bush by stating outright that The Forest is terrible from the word go. The game is described to be a large, open world, survival/horror adventure! But, I can tell now now, that much like most of my Polish neighbours, it doesn’t work. It is hard to know where to begin with my play through of The Forest since said play through lasted for a whole…Eight minutes. Instead, let me make a list. Everybody loves a god list!

4 minutes in: The game remembered that it was in fact a video game and not a sausage-roll and decided to load up. The opening scene was actually, quite impressive. Both you and your son (unless he’s a catholic priest that is) are simply relaxing on board an aeroplane. That is until, expectedly, the plane crashed to the ground quicker than Garry Busey’s head did shortly after birth.

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In the event of an emergency, practice yoga

5 minutes in: So, I wake up, dazed and confused, only to find that Dhalsim from Street Fighter wishes to kidnap my unconscious son. After a few seconds he…IS THAT A COCK! OH SWEET JESUS, GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

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Penis shot added for closer inspection of Dhalsim’s dong

6 minutes in: With the sight of Dhalsim’s penis still fresh in my mind. immediately after obtaining a small axe I exited the plane wreckage. The view was actually quite breathtaking. The trees were incredibly detailed and large luggage backs littered the..OH FUCK ITS HAPPENING AGAIN!

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I present to you, sudden creepy tit lady!

7.50 minutes in: By this point my mind was struggling to cope with what was happening around me. In what was probably a desperate, utterly confused bid for freedom, I spun myself around and started to flee. At least I would have, had it not been for being instantly teleported to what I can only describe as “the world between theirs and ours”.

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“COME TO THE LIGHT CAROLINE!”
“No mum, the lights where the cocks and tits are!”

 

Overall, this has to be one of the largest messes I have ever seen, and trust me on that one, I have witnessed my fair share of Japanese web videos…

Why I Hate Video Game Voice Acting

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I remember a time long before the inclusion of voice acting in video games. Come to think of it, I don’t accurately recall any of the video games I played as a young, handsome man employing the use of sound in any shape or form. At the most one could, under the utmost opportunistic conditions become witness to the subtle, often mentioned but rarely substantiated, electronic boop. Back then, to hear such a boop was considered a great honour in retro-gaming society. We called such prophets Boopsters. Deluges of gamers would often, precariously flock to a Boopsters home, with the hope in mind of perhaps attaining the secrets of said Boopster’s galactically revered, omnipresent, audio perceiving skills. On such occasions, it would’t have been uncustomary for one gamer to vigorously lick a Boopsters earlobes whilst another gamer presented the higher-being with extravagant gifts.  But, what do i know. Much like a bi-curious Muhammad Ali, I’m way past my prime and spending my days shakily making ends meet.



Resident Evil

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Resident Evil is, in the eyed of any deluded survival horror fan, the rusty staple that once held together the entire genre! The game play had a nice slow pace to it and to boot, an atmosphere that even the most lavish of pool parties at Michael Barrymore’s 
house would struggle to match. It may then come as a surprise then to most of you kids that there was something else that made Resident Evil so memorable. The voice acting. To put into perspective just how bad both of these things were I am simply going to share with you, a few of my favourite moments.. At the very start of the game, just as you enter into the mansion, if you were to try and open the door to which you entered through, one character would hastily turn to you and yell this golden nugget of shit… 

DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!

The next shining example needs no explanation, mainly because I can’t think of one. 

Jill…The master of unlocking!

 The third and final nail in Resident Evil’s play school nativity script is my overall favourite.

Weapons work great against living things…(Skip to the thirty second mark!)

Ah, so Barry does have a very firm grasp of the fucking obvious!.

Ret me see, the translation is coming arong rovery

Ret me see, the translation is coming arong rovery


Time Crisis “Don’t cum!”
Most of you remember time crisis right?. That fast paced, action packed arcade shooter? The one to which both you and your friends used to obsess over. You enjoyed it thoroughly! Even though the LDC screens were almost all of the time, cracked to fuck…Well, Time Crisis in my eyes had one of the single worst, well, badly translated scripts in video game history! 
I would write another one of my heavily elongated paragraphs detailing just how astonishingly hilarious it is, but I think this video sums it all up perfectly.

Time Crisis intro (the 50 second mark…I wont lady!)

Stay tuned for part two…Yes, it gets worse!

 

 

Ye Olde Sega Collection

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Here’s something special I wish to share with the my fellow Retro gamers. Please go grab a tissue before viewing. If that last statement seemed nonsensical to you, you may be and most likely are thicker than the big-print version of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens.

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Never view under a black light…

The select few of you to whom strive with great effort in a lifelong attempt in potentially, one day be referred to as ever so slightly more intelligent than a arthritic wombat may be, upon rigorous inspection, quite privy to the lack of anything even remotely resembling a “collection” in the above image. You would be correct in thinking so, as with ex-wives comes great loss. That loss obviously being my classic gaming collection, not the bitter old wench to whom stole them from me. I did, back in the day, own almost every console one could purchase, but now, what you see above is all I have.

Contained within that image though, is more gaming history and cartridge based pizazz than would be contained in any collection you could build up with a modern console. So, what do we have then?

  • Sonic the Hedgehog, both one and two. Two of the greatest sidescrollers in the history of video games.
  • Desert Strike/Jungle Strike, which to some are considered to be two of the first true pioneers in top down, simulation action.
  • Super Hang-on. I wont go into detail on this one but please, for the love of all that is Janet Jackson’s sneaky nipples, listen to Super Hang-on’s soundtrack at least once before your inevitable decent to hell.
  • Mortal Kombat 2. It had shockingly realistic visuals back at the time of release, and contained more violence than the Mason family’s yearly photo album
  • PGA Tour Golf. This one is actually a total and absolute bag of horse shit. It just kind of appeared in my collection.
  • Sega Mega Drive 6 in 1 cartridge. Sega Socker, Columns, Super Monaco GP, Revenge of Shinobi, Sonic the Hedgehog and streets of rage…What more need I say…Wait, sonic the fucking hedgehog again….

Do you have a collection? If so please share! And remember, the Grave Keeper from Fable had the greatest job in the world…Hundreds of people working below him!

 

 

Older Gamers Need a Voice!

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I believe in two things. That my opinions matter greatly and are, through the lack of easy to use and understandable access, overshadowed by those expressed by the younger gaming demographic. The second being that my ability to cook Minute Rice in fifty-nine seconds should be more widely accepted as god-like and coveted by most third world countries…

I believe that gamers, but more importantly, the older gamers need to have a voice. We deserve the right to voice our views publicly, and to have just as much input into the world of video games as our younger counterparts have. I wish to become the glimmering, yet stern face of my gaming generation. Like a prison shower lover who gently caresses your hair as he ploughs your anus to oblivion. I am to the gaming community what Shaquille O’neal was to basketball, a bit too long and dark but he did his job well either way!

Never forget that I was around for the golden age of video games, long before the days of knife crime and suicidal internet teens!

4 Horror Movies That Evacuated my Bowels

Pictured above, an evil little sausage demon!

Pictured above, an evil little sausage demon!


4. IT
Have you seen it? What? It. What’s is it? It’s it. Yes but what is it!?

Hello good sir, one ticket to Nopeville please!

Hello good sir, one ticket to Nopeville please!

IT, for those of you that were still gleefully swimming around in your fathers bean-bag at the time, was originally a short TV horror series released in the early 90’s. It was soon converted into a full length feature movie. Back in the 90’s we had a VCR. Yes that’s right DVD’s were invented, they have not always simply existed, like some kind of plastic Cliff Richard…Wait!. Every Saturday both me and my wife would rent a video from the local video Blockbuster to watch on our huge 19 inch TV with built in 1.0 surround sound. One thing you need to be aware of before I continue with this rather drawn out folly down memory lane is that I was brought up on the horror movies of yesteryear. Back then the most creative monster costumes usually boiled down to a tall man wearing a plastic bin bag on his head. Before playing the movie, we performed all of the correct rituals and did all the proper preparations you did back then prior to watching a movie. I boiled the kettle, my wife made the popcorn, I tuned in the television to help steer it’s calculator like in the right direction of picking up a signal from the VCR, and finally, I did the man’s job…Turning those two, little white circles on the underside of the tape with a butter knife so the that VCR wouldn’t eat it. That last part is true kids, VCR’s actually ate video tapes! Now it was show time. I started the
movie and we both sat back in our sofa. The movie started off fine. Nothing out of the ordinary really for horror flicks at that time. It was of course when the movie got to around the ten minute mark that shit started to get real. Pennywise the dancing clown could be one of the most scare-inducing creations I have ever set my eyes upon. I never really had any phobias before watching that movie. Now, I can’t even look at a clown without freaking the fuck out. You may wonder why I have not told you any details about the movie itself. Well, the reason is that If you have already seen IT then you do not need any information, and if you have not yet had the chance to see this amazing horror movie, you should bloody well do so!

Remember, They ALL float down here. Taken out of context that line could also be played to the same horrific effect by some kind of evil toilet.

3. Alien

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I don’t know whether to be terrified or aroused by this


There are plenty of movies that when I have mentioned them, my nephew and his friends have exclaimed such things a “OMG…I heard somebody died after watching that film”, 
And “one of the crew fell out of a window and died……and the Devil did it!” This, for the uninitiated, is what is known as hype, and most of the time it amounts to utter crap. But for Alien the hype actually had some basis behind it. The movie for the time was indeed extremely horrific and did, admittedly frighten the fuck out of people, myself 
included. The way the creature seemed to slither around the ship unnoticed, like some 
kind of space based, greased up tumble dryer tubing. And the way it could take out nearly the entire crew without receiving so much as flick to the nose. Alien managed to capture the atmosphere of what I would expect it to be like to be so far away from home perfectly. The alien itself, again looked like something I would have drawn on the back of my texts books 
at school. 

In space no one can hear you queef.

2. Paranormal Activity 2 
At first Paranormal Activity reminded me greatly of that one of my nephews ex-girlfriends. She always felt that she had to yell very loudly while other people were trying to talk, and also felt the constant need to tell you she was “So random”. It all seemed a bit over the top and unneeded and had a fringe that even Michael J Fox wouldn’t have missed back when he was a barber.

Never before have I felt such a strong sense of fear towards a lamp...

Never before have I felt such a strong sense of fear towards a lamp…


My friend John called me up one night and said that he had rented Paranormal Activity 2 from Blockbusters. I responded by saying “But I haven’t even seen the first one and you know how I feel about those modern movies”. But, he assured me that it was great! Because the story was apparently, not really that important…Not exactly a point in the films favour I might add. He fetched it over and I set up the 5.1 surround sound (regret it). After the movie had finished we both just kind of sat there, like two cats that had just been hugged by a child with down syndrome. The reason we just sat there is the same reason 
Paranormal Activity 2 is featured on this list. It scared us into complete submission. 
Most of you will, most likely reply to this by assuring me that the movie uses  nothing but cheap scares and lousy thrills. Cheap scares or not, watching this movie in the dark with the
surround sound turned up to the fullest is like being in the no-arms amputee committee and your president has been replaced with a care-bear. You can’t do anything but cry whenever a hug is promised.

One of the movies scenes even made me make what I think may have been a genuinely new sound. This scene took place in the kitchen, like 90% of the rest of the movie did. the female character was sat next to some pots and pans just minding her own business, when suddenly, that god damn low bass rumble began to build. If you aren’t aware of said low bass rumble, its basically the equivalent to having a Transformer whisper dirty nothings into you ears. She starts looking around, obviously sensing that something is about to skull-fuck her. It goes silent for a few seconds and then…BAM!, every single fucking cupboard and drawer flies open and huge clouds of cornflakes start flying all over the bloody place. 


1. The Exorcist
Right after reading this paragraph you will most likely be highly tempted to post a reply that goes something like “The Exorcist is not scary at all dude. I watched it alone in the dark with stand I did not even bat an eyelid”. My reply to that is…1. Don’t talk out of your ass, it makes my post look dirty. And 2. I watched The Exorcist when it was released. Times were different back then as I have said before, it really didn’t take much to frighten us.

Meme face added because I know how hard it is to forget that face...

I somehow made it even scarier 0_o

The movie It horrible. But not in a bad way, in more of a “I couldn’t sleep for days” kind of way. The entire movie just felt so unusual. It was almost all shot in one room yet it still managed to keep me on the edge of my sofa the entire way through. The girls face alone, still haunts me to this day. Hers and Jackie Stallone anyway…

Why Modern Consoles Suck [continued]

Attractiveness is subjective, everybody knows that, but, if you have a face so copiously hideous that you make small children cry, its little wonder that the doctor slapped you across the face at birth. The same can be said for video game graphics…

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Sex dolls, yes, keep with me here please, I swear it will be worth it. Sex dolls are, in today’s society, though expectedly a taboo subject  highly popular. They are in fact, one of the highest grossing “toys” out there. Why are they so popular? Let us be honest with ourselves here and admit that we all know the reason why. They are not real, and therefore, by extension of that aspect, inanimate and totally, but most importantly, inhumanly governable. But, let us try something here. Imagine that you saw an advertisement on the television for a real life sex-doll, and upon a few days of vigorously fighting temptation, you decide to go out and to purchase a real life sex-doll. Once you get home you test out the doll…It then kindly, cooks you dinner. That would be fantastic right? No, obviously. because, Capitan latex abuser, after it cooks you dinner it starts yelling at you, claiming that you don’t respect it’s rights as a woman. You get angry and slap it hard across the face, and then, in true 1940’s cliché, it says sorry. You then storm out of the house. You return home in the morning after spending the night drinking large volumes of alcohol with your friend Jeff, only to find blow-up-Sally’s bloated rubber corpse hanging from the ceiling fan. Now you are not only a murderer but also a potential rapist, and poor Jeff has inadvertently become your accomplice. That for me, sums up the argument on video game graphics.

Your average modern gamer, dressed in hiss formal attire

Your average modern gamer, dressed in his formal attire

    We play video games because we want to do things we can’t do here in the real world. It is, by design, a means of entertainment with only one purpose to serve. To help us unwind. You play a game such as Skyrim because you wish to genuinely feel like a sword wielding, heavily hung, bearded man-beast. You want to sleep at the inns, you want to make rough love to the innkeepers daughters and you want to vanquish even the mightiest of dragons with nothing more than the hairs situated within your belly button. I must say though, that games such as Skyrim are terribly boring for me to play. Imagine if you had a cloning device that could instantly teleport clones to various areas around your home town, so they don’t start filling up the room the teleporters in. The problem is that after a night out on the town you came back home and mistook your teleporter for the lavatory, and now people are staring to see the same shit everywhere. So, with that in mind, again, imagine if Skyrim had photo-realistic visuals. Not the same kind of photo-realistic tat that video game magazines have tacked onto every Gran Turismo game over the past ten years. No, I am talking about trees so real you could touch them, boobs so real you could fondle them. This evolution in graphical prowess would, in my opinion, come with some serious problems. Could you kill a man who looks like, well, a real man? Would you not feel guilty? And how would you smacking a uber-realistic rabbit around the face with a giant war hammer make your girlfriend feel about ever letting you buy that pet dog you keep asking for?

I hope that by now you have a better understanding of why video game graphics aren’t quite as important as your peers would have you believe. If you don’t, then much like with a leper’s cock, you can’t see the point. We need to evaluate every aspect of what actually constitutes for “realistic” visuals in video games before we start claiming for anything to be “photoreal”.