Before I get into The Dead Linger, Much like a can of Febreze, I want to clear some shit out of the air. I am not a fan of zombies. Yes, it is true, not everybody is as fascinated by the concept of zombies as most thirteen year olds would have you believe. There’s nothing even remotely fun, or frightening for that matter about a “threat” that moves at roughly the same speed as a dead cow, and possesses the accumulated intelligence of a custard cream biscuit. The exact same effect could be achieved by replacing the zombies with a group of large freshwater tortoises.
I came across The Dead Linger purely by chance. My good friend Tony just so happened to have the game running on his computer as I arrived at his house yesterday. I watched Tony play the game for a while, and, as I watched the fat bastard click away at his mouse, something hit me. Why isn’t he using his keyboard too? No, what came to me harder than even the most prestigious of porno pop-shots was the nagging feeling that I really liked the look of this game. So, like the caring, loving, pleasant friend I am, I told Tony to go make a cup of tea for me. He did as I had asked, because Tony, like most people our age, have to every so often during the day, make sure that his legs still work. Its surprising, but as you reach fifty it becomes blatantly apparent that appendages can, and will at any given moment, just fall the fuck off of your body.
The game seems to have you spawn at a random location within the world, and pretty much just lets you do your own thing from there. What I mean by that is that you seem to really be able to go anywhere. I began by heading to a small town which was situated pretty close to what I assumed was a prison (that explains where the coloured zombies are then…Joking!). After slamming the door open, and by slamming I mean spending quite some time trying to slide the damn thing open. The controls for interacting with doors seem horrifically alien to me. But, I am going to put that down to me being out of the loop on some new, popular control scheme for PC games. I found a gun in the living room along with some bullets. I am from The United Kingdom, its a gun to me, I don’t know its fucking name…ONLY THE SOUND IT MAKES WHEN IT TAKES A MAN’S LIFE! I also, found myself a large backpack, which I could use to store all of my new loot in. I then proceeded to raid every other house in the neighbourhood, and my gosh, within minutes I had become a human pack mule. My wares sported a variety of fine objects, such as three bananas, two tins of spam and to top it all off, two guns. After running outside and testing out my weapons on the zombies’s skulls, I headed to the prison on…Wait for it…My very own, shiny little bicycle. I have to say that everything so far, the experience, had blown me away. The sound was eventful and beautifully atmospheric. The game play was fluid and easy to get to grips with. But, the thing that really got me, the thing that first made me want to play it was the feeling of total, unadulterated freedom it gave you as a player. It seems as though the developers of The Dread Singer are aiming to give us a game that, sure, involves zombies, but is mostly focused on the player, and more importantly, they want the payer to do whatever the fuck they want to do.
Get you’re biggest, most illustrious tampons ready, because I’m about to be a giant c#&t and leave you with the one thing that I disliked about the game. Nothing, nothing at all takes me out of a large, open world gaming experience more than vast, lifeless expanses of pure emptiness. I loved the towns and the prisons, so why not give me more of what I love?