Before we begin, let me arouse the overly opinionated, pretentious little elephant in the room. I do have multiple friends who just so happen to be black, so any racism cards will simply be shuffled back into the deck…It’s not like I own them! One such friend goes by the name of Rick, and Rick has a large puffy afro, he injects a copious number of varying curse words into almost every sentence that comes out of his pink mouth. He partakes in the enjoyment of rap music and tends to, on most occasions dress solely in purple attire, and has from time to time been known to sport multiple, large golden chains around his large neck. You see, Rick is not in any way a stereotype, but he sure as fuck knows his way around a zebr…Of course I do not have a friend like that, but, what I just did was what we shall from this point forth call “Doing a final fantasy”.
How many wars do you think were fought by nine ft. tall, beef eating out-houses on legs? None obviously. But when it comes to video games, almost all wars seem to take place in what I can only image is some kind of alternate reality where all men seem to wield cocks larger than those dangling between the legs of even the proudest of elephants. Even Isaac from Dead Space, who could be said to have a somewhat average physique had the kicking power of the entire Manchester United football team combined. Take Marcus Fenix for example, Not once during my play through of Gears of War did I witness the guy touch a pair of dumbbells, but my god, his body looks as though somebody has strategically placed a grape on top of a loaf of bread. Come to think of it, the entire cast of Gears of War seem to dive head first into this pool of silliness. Would you really trust any of them with a gun? Furthermore, a gun with a damn chainsaw on one end of it? I really do imagine that if you could see through a COG’s eyes, what you would see would closely resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger’s view from Terminator, only the people would be replaced by new-born babies and puppies…Marcus Fenix hates babies and puppies!
3. Japanese girls
Like most of the male characters in Final Fantasy XIII, I have touched this before and it still feels wrong. I have a close friend who grew up in Japan back in the seventies, she also just so happens to be a girl. Where am I going with this? Well,never once can I recall a time where she had multiple orgasms while lifting small objects. Yet, how come whenever I choose to play a game from the Final Fantasy series, almost every female character seem to be at the age of 13, and even worse, blatantly look to be portrayed in such a way that the developers seemed to have wanted them to come across as being attractive and desirable sex-objects to the player. If you are a fan of the Final Fantasy series, like the speed-bump said to the Ferrari, get over it, I don’t care if it hurts! Whether you want to admit it or not, it happens a lot in video games and most gamers love to pretend it’s not there. For future reference, here are three easy ways for you spot these peado games.
1. Every time a female character interacts with a male character she seems to get a
little too close to them, most of the time said female character will have her hands behind her back as though she is submissive and defenceless.
2. At least one male character far too old for her already has or is going to bang her.
3. During most battle sequences at various points the female character in the group will emit the kind of sounds you would usually expect to come from your sons laptop when you walk in and catch a glimpse of internet explorer being minimized.
You know when you take a large, painful dump, and look over to your left, only to realise that there is no toilet paper left? Didn’t you just hate it, how sometimes when you were a child you would step in dog shit and it wouldn’t come off of your shoe no matter how hard your scraped it, and when you got home your mother yelled at you because you had spread it into the carpet? Then she sent you outside in the blistering rain to bang your shoes against a wall, and you were stood there, wet through, crying, wondering how the fuck repeatedly slamming a rubber object against a brick wall with incredible force was going to somehow clean it. Well, you can blame Russia for that. No, really you can. If modern video games based around the antics of warfare are to be believed, Russia is to world safety, what Michael Barrymore is to young men who choose to sleep in swimming pools…Red and potentially painful. Seriously, I firmly contest that as much as the United States wants to have the biggest willy on the globe, they have been poked in the eye far too many times just by looking in Russia’s general direction. Since the above mentioned cock pokings took place, the United States look to be in a state of permanent jealousy. And so, the main villain in almost every war game is Russia. Think about this though. Just to explain in great detail the effort and complexity of most of these games’s story lines. Russia has a rather large nuclear arsenal, so my fuck, will somebody please take the time to explain to me why a superpower such as Russia would go out of their way and spend spend millions in the process just trying to steal one nuclear weapon from the US?
1. Fat american guys
Does the name Barry Wheeler ring and bells? How about that guy from Silent hill 2? I am getting old, this paragraph represents something deep and beautiful, yet obviously meaningful to society (potential hipster audience reached)…