I tried Online Multiplayer Gaming Today…

I often relish the days where my work buddies would travel to my humble abode to play pass the controller. It was a mystical time, a time where men were men, where you were designated one in-game death before you had to pass along the controller to the guy sitting beside you. Well, back then we didn’t actually call them controllers at all. They were joypads. Why? Because when wielding such a device you would experience pure gaming joy, and because it was often back then, at times, used as a female sanitary device…

 

Go back 40 years and you would find a copy of this image stashed underneath my mattress covered in suspicious looking stains...

Go back 40 years and you would find a copy of this image stashed underneath my mattress covered in suspicious looking stains…

Let me continue much in the gentleman’s style of Jack the Ripper and not beat around the bush. Today marked the day that my nephew introduced me to the unimaginative, masochistic world of online gaming. I had for many years previous to today, avoided online gaming in the same way I had avoided SARS, meaning that, I had never conversed with the Chinese and they had happily died without so much as sneezing in my general direction. Which game did I play? Call of Duty 4, a game that was in my nephews opinion, a true classic. I wont go into a great amount of detail for fear of you becoming bored but I can safely say that online multiplayer is not entirely dissimilar to having a dog lick peanut butter off of your balls whilst talking dirty to it. Sure, at the time of committing the deed you enjoyed it to an extent, but after a few hours your going to have the nagging sense of guilt in your mind that you may or may not have said some stuff you will forever link the words with the image your dogs mouth around your shaft, and that there could have been witnesses.

He told me it was a threat...

He told me it was a treat…

The witness in question was my nephew, a boy who has nothing but the utmost respect for my gaming prowess. Let him not forget the great winter of 98 when I beat doom on nightmare difficulty. What he witnessed was his uncle being completely and utterly shamed by people to whom he had never even met. To cut it shorter than a midget in a vice, I died more times than a Jesus/cat hybrid, I endured more under-age insults than a 14 year old’s ex toy and to finish it all off, I literally got banned for “hacking”. Hacking, this is a man who’s technical skills barely exceed correctly typing the words ‘free porn’ into his browser…

 

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2 thoughts on “I tried Online Multiplayer Gaming Today…

  1. TheLegendaryMiko

    I died a lot too at first. Then I learned that if you sing obnoxiously or scream high pitched-like when you die, everyone tends to avoid killing you.

    I also got bored of the typical insults. I have learned to great creative….

    Reply

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