4 Horror Movies That Evacuated my Bowels

Pictured above, an evil little sausage demon!

Pictured above, an evil little sausage demon!


4. IT
Have you seen it? What? It. What’s is it? It’s it. Yes but what is it!?

Hello good sir, one ticket to Nopeville please!

Hello good sir, one ticket to Nopeville please!

IT, for those of you that were still gleefully swimming around in your fathers bean-bag at the time, was originally a short TV horror series released in the early 90’s. It was soon converted into a full length feature movie. Back in the 90’s we had a VCR. Yes that’s right DVD’s were invented, they have not always simply existed, like some kind of plastic Cliff Richard…Wait!. Every Saturday both me and my wife would rent a video from the local video Blockbuster to watch on our huge 19 inch TV with built in 1.0 surround sound. One thing you need to be aware of before I continue with this rather drawn out folly down memory lane is that I was brought up on the horror movies of yesteryear. Back then the most creative monster costumes usually boiled down to a tall man wearing a plastic bin bag on his head. Before playing the movie, we performed all of the correct rituals and did all the proper preparations you did back then prior to watching a movie. I boiled the kettle, my wife made the popcorn, I tuned in the television to help steer it’s calculator like in the right direction of picking up a signal from the VCR, and finally, I did the man’s job…Turning those two, little white circles on the underside of the tape with a butter knife so the that VCR wouldn’t eat it. That last part is true kids, VCR’s actually ate video tapes! Now it was show time. I started the
movie and we both sat back in our sofa. The movie started off fine. Nothing out of the ordinary really for horror flicks at that time. It was of course when the movie got to around the ten minute mark that shit started to get real. Pennywise the dancing clown could be one of the most scare-inducing creations I have ever set my eyes upon. I never really had any phobias before watching that movie. Now, I can’t even look at a clown without freaking the fuck out. You may wonder why I have not told you any details about the movie itself. Well, the reason is that If you have already seen IT then you do not need any information, and if you have not yet had the chance to see this amazing horror movie, you should bloody well do so!

Remember, They ALL float down here. Taken out of context that line could also be played to the same horrific effect by some kind of evil toilet.

3. Alien

alien-movie-photos-500027

I don’t know whether to be terrified or aroused by this


There are plenty of movies that when I have mentioned them, my nephew and his friends have exclaimed such things a “OMG…I heard somebody died after watching that film”, 
And “one of the crew fell out of a window and died……and the Devil did it!” This, for the uninitiated, is what is known as hype, and most of the time it amounts to utter crap. But for Alien the hype actually had some basis behind it. The movie for the time was indeed extremely horrific and did, admittedly frighten the fuck out of people, myself 
included. The way the creature seemed to slither around the ship unnoticed, like some 
kind of space based, greased up tumble dryer tubing. And the way it could take out nearly the entire crew without receiving so much as flick to the nose. Alien managed to capture the atmosphere of what I would expect it to be like to be so far away from home perfectly. The alien itself, again looked like something I would have drawn on the back of my texts books 
at school. 

In space no one can hear you queef.

2. Paranormal Activity 2 
At first Paranormal Activity reminded me greatly of that one of my nephews ex-girlfriends. She always felt that she had to yell very loudly while other people were trying to talk, and also felt the constant need to tell you she was “So random”. It all seemed a bit over the top and unneeded and had a fringe that even Michael J Fox wouldn’t have missed back when he was a barber.

Never before have I felt such a strong sense of fear towards a lamp...

Never before have I felt such a strong sense of fear towards a lamp…


My friend John called me up one night and said that he had rented Paranormal Activity 2 from Blockbusters. I responded by saying “But I haven’t even seen the first one and you know how I feel about those modern movies”. But, he assured me that it was great! Because the story was apparently, not really that important…Not exactly a point in the films favour I might add. He fetched it over and I set up the 5.1 surround sound (regret it). After the movie had finished we both just kind of sat there, like two cats that had just been hugged by a child with down syndrome. The reason we just sat there is the same reason 
Paranormal Activity 2 is featured on this list. It scared us into complete submission. 
Most of you will, most likely reply to this by assuring me that the movie uses  nothing but cheap scares and lousy thrills. Cheap scares or not, watching this movie in the dark with the
surround sound turned up to the fullest is like being in the no-arms amputee committee and your president has been replaced with a care-bear. You can’t do anything but cry whenever a hug is promised.

One of the movies scenes even made me make what I think may have been a genuinely new sound. This scene took place in the kitchen, like 90% of the rest of the movie did. the female character was sat next to some pots and pans just minding her own business, when suddenly, that god damn low bass rumble began to build. If you aren’t aware of said low bass rumble, its basically the equivalent to having a Transformer whisper dirty nothings into you ears. She starts looking around, obviously sensing that something is about to skull-fuck her. It goes silent for a few seconds and then…BAM!, every single fucking cupboard and drawer flies open and huge clouds of cornflakes start flying all over the bloody place. 


1. The Exorcist
Right after reading this paragraph you will most likely be highly tempted to post a reply that goes something like “The Exorcist is not scary at all dude. I watched it alone in the dark with stand I did not even bat an eyelid”. My reply to that is…1. Don’t talk out of your ass, it makes my post look dirty. And 2. I watched The Exorcist when it was released. Times were different back then as I have said before, it really didn’t take much to frighten us.

Meme face added because I know how hard it is to forget that face...

I somehow made it even scarier 0_o

The movie It horrible. But not in a bad way, in more of a “I couldn’t sleep for days” kind of way. The entire movie just felt so unusual. It was almost all shot in one room yet it still managed to keep me on the edge of my sofa the entire way through. The girls face alone, still haunts me to this day. Hers and Jackie Stallone anyway…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s