I remember a time long before the inclusion of voice acting in video games. Come to think of it, I don’t accurately recall any of the video games I played as a young, handsome man employing the use of sound in any shape or form. At the most one could, under the utmost opportunistic conditions become witness to the subtle, often mentioned but rarely substantiated, electronic boop. Back then, to hear such a boop was considered a great honour in retro-gaming society. We called such prophets Boopsters. Deluges of gamers would often, precariously flock to a Boopsters home, with the hope in mind of perhaps attaining the secrets of said Boopster’s galactically revered, omnipresent, audio perceiving skills. On such occasions, it would’t have been uncustomary for one gamer to vigorously lick a Boopsters earlobes whilst another gamer presented the higher-being with extravagant gifts. But, what do i know. Much like a bi-curious Muhammad Ali, I’m way past my prime and spending my days shakily making ends meet.
Resident Evil is, in the eyed of any deluded survival horror fan, the rusty staple that once held together the entire genre! The game play had a nice slow pace to it and to boot, an atmosphere that even the most lavish of pool parties at Michael Barrymore’s
house would struggle to match. It may then come as a surprise then to most of you kids that there was something else that made Resident Evil so memorable. The voice acting. To put into perspective just how bad both of these things were I am simply going to share with you, a few of my favourite moments.. At the very start of the game, just as you enter into the mansion, if you were to try and open the door to which you entered through, one character would hastily turn to you and yell this golden nugget of shit…
The next shining example needs no explanation, mainly because I can’t think of one.
The third and final nail in Resident Evil’s play school nativity script is my overall favourite.
Ah, so Barry does have a very firm grasp of the fucking obvious!.
Time Crisis “Don’t cum!”
Most of you remember time crisis right?. That fast paced, action packed arcade shooter? The one to which both you and your friends used to obsess over. You enjoyed it thoroughly! Even though the LDC screens were almost all of the time, cracked to fuck…Well, Time Crisis in my eyes had one of the single worst, well, badly translated scripts in video game history!
I would write another one of my heavily elongated paragraphs detailing just how astonishingly hilarious it is, but I think this video sums it all up perfectly.
Time Crisis intro (the 50 second mark…I wont lady!)
Stay tuned for part two…Yes, it gets worse!