The Forest: First Impressions


Today, I took it upon myself to purchase The Forest. A game to which my dear nephew had done nothing but blabber on about for months on end. Surely, if that self entitled little ass-weasel expected this game to be nothing short of willy-hardeningly astonishing, he had to be right! Oh, how disappointed and shocked he was. In fact, I Haven’t seen such a level of stupendous, nauseating disgust on a persons face since that time in 1944 when Adolph Hitler turned up at the British Gas headquarters wearing nothing but his shower cap.

Let me make like Jack the Ripper and not just beat around the bush by stating outright that The Forest is terrible from the word go. The game is described to be a large, open world, survival/horror adventure! But, I can tell now now, that much like most of my Polish neighbours, it doesn’t work. It is hard to know where to begin with my play through of The Forest since said play through lasted for a whole…Eight minutes. Instead, let me make a list. Everybody loves a god list!

4 minutes in: The game remembered that it was in fact a video game and not a sausage-roll and decided to load up. The opening scene was actually, quite impressive. Both you and your son (unless he’s a catholic priest that is) are simply relaxing on board an aeroplane. That is until, expectedly, the plane crashed to the ground quicker than Garry Busey’s head did shortly after birth.


In the event of an emergency, practice yoga

5 minutes in: So, I wake up, dazed and confused, only to find that Dhalsim from Street Fighter wishes to kidnap my unconscious son. After a few seconds he…IS THAT A COCK! OH SWEET JESUS, GET IT AWAY FROM ME!


Penis shot added for closer inspection of Dhalsim’s dong

6 minutes in: With the sight of Dhalsim’s penis still fresh in my mind. immediately after obtaining a small axe I exited the plane wreckage. The view was actually quite breathtaking. The trees were incredibly detailed and large luggage backs littered the..OH FUCK ITS HAPPENING AGAIN!


I present to you, sudden creepy tit lady!

7.50 minutes in: By this point my mind was struggling to cope with what was happening around me. In what was probably a desperate, utterly confused bid for freedom, I spun myself around and started to flee. At least I would have, had it not been for being instantly teleported to what I can only describe as “the world between theirs and ours”.


“No mum, the lights where the cocks and tits are!”


Overall, this has to be one of the largest messes I have ever seen, and trust me on that one, I have witnessed my fair share of Japanese web videos…


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