Monthly Archives: June 2014

Amnesia: The Dark Descent: First Impressions (Part 1)

Where do I begin? Today marked my first encounter with a modern horror game. To be more specific, Amnesia: The Dark Descent, and sweet baby Lucifer, I swear that, whilst playing the game, I began to genuinely shake with fear. Honestly, if I was for some reason replaced by Michael J Fox, nobody on earth would be able to tell the difference.

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My adventure began as I found myself trapped within the shadowy confines of some old castle. My head was throbbing from what I can only assume was a good old night out on the piss. It was at this point that I began to wonder what exactly Amnesia: The Dark Descent wanted to actually be. In my opinion, the odd door creaking open and the all too frequent sounds of crumbling rocks didn’t do much for me in terms of building an atmosphere. I did however, valiantly push onwards. After a short while, Amnesia: The Licorice Landslide began to do what Southern American’s have been doing for centuries, it came into its own. One specific scene that is still at the very front of my mind took place within a heavily flooded area of the map. I had previously come face to face with those fish eyed monsters to whose faces lacked faces, and have to say that what lurked beneath that water made my ass hole stretch to a size larger than that of even the most savagely performed prostate examination.

By donating just 5 pounds a month you can help starving children like Agrippa

By donating just 5 pounds a month you can help starving children like Agrippa

My favourite feature in Amnesia: The Obscure Prolapse’s arsenal was the simple lack of monsters. I found myself only truly terrified when the game left me alone, to build a mental image of what evils may be lurking in the shadows surrounding me. When realistically, 99% of the time, the only thing that posed any great threat to me was receiving an impending  splinter whilst swinging a door open a little too forcefully. I will continue my review of Amnesia: The Overcast Contraction in part 2, where I wish to delve balls deep into the both the visuals and sound design of the game.

Only the inclusion of The Sausage Demon would have made the game even more terrifying

Only the inclusion of The Sausage Demon would have made the game even more terrifying

Stay tuned!

 

Should I try horror Games?

 

When you gaze at the devil, the devil gazes back!

When you gaze at the devil, the devil gazes back!

I wish to keep this post in the same shape as a leper’s penis, short, and hopefully with a point on it. Would it be of any interest, or more importantly, would it be entertaining to you if I reviewed a horror game? My fudge-dragon of a nephew wishes for me to play a game named “Amnesia”. Is Amnesia any good? Would I enjoy it? Let me know in the comments if you wish to see my profoundly intellectual thoughts on the game!

The Forest: Revisited

the forest

Today I took it upon myself to give The Forest another try Mostly because I have nothing else to play, and  Perhaps I may have reacted a little too harshly towards the game. After all, it is pre-alpha (whatever the fuck that means). I will be wholeheartedly clear right from the start of this review too, The Forest, in my genuine, unfavoured opinion, can only be compared to the first black fighter pilot. Sure, it may look the part, but its almost impossible to see when it gets dark and you can’t help but feel as though shits flying everywhere.

I wish to, once again, review my play through of The Forest in the form of a nifty little timeline! But, this time I want you to review my play through by taking what you wish from a selection of screenshots that I took at key points in my adventure!

10 minutes to death:  

fuck sharks

 

7 minutes to death:

2014-06-06_00003

Finding leaves underwater is one of my favourite pastimes

5 minutes to death:

Everybody calm the fuck down, I found a leg!

Everybody calm the fuck down, I found a leg!

 

1 minutes to death!

Have you ever been so angry that you hit a motherfucker with another motherfucker?

Have you ever been so angry that you hit a motherfucker with another motherfucker?

Well, I hope you enjoyed that. I wanted to try something different and most likely failed, but let me know in the comments below! What do you think happened in my play through?

 

Younger Gamers Don’t Know S*#t

I still get hard looking at this...

I still get hard looking at this…

I am, as you may remember, on holiday. So, I shall try to keep this as brief as possible. I met a young Scottish fellow today named Ethan. Ethan was at first, understandably shocked at the ambiguous revelation that I was in fact a gamer much like he was. It was though, when he began to lay upon my ears, his tales of gaming glory, that I felt a little taken back. Does this kid have any idea how much his stories pale in comparison to any elder gamer’s stories? Does he know the shit I have seen? Whilst tales of taming mighty dragons and stories of defeating Bioshock on its hardest difficulty may at first, in his nubile young mind stand out as legendary in their own status’s, they do as I said above, pale pathetically in comparison to my own, or to anybody from my gaming generation for that matter. Ethan, you are speaking to a man to whom genuinely defeated Tetris whilst being so high on whichever drugs were popular at the time that, at the same time as playing said game, was contemplating heavily whether of not he should stick his cock into his pet parakeet.

The bottom line is. My parakeet died tragically. But most importantly, you should have some respect for your peers, they were your age once and experienced the same thing you are right now!