Tag Archives: fail

I may or may not be back

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I may be returning to the blogging scene…Christ almighty, have I missed it. I’ve been tremendously busy lately and to be honest, my blog was suffering so much like with the family dog, I took it out back and put it out of its misery. Misery, here of course being used relatively predicatively as a synonym for ceasing my blogging antics, and by “family dog” I am obviously referring to my ex-wife, and by “took it out back” I mean…LISTEN, THE COPS SAID THE STAINS AND THE CLOWN OUTFIT WERE INCONCLUSIVE!

Watch this space, or see if I post anything new, your best bet being the latter. On a parting note, and as something to ponder upon. As my old dad used to say. Son what’s ET short for? well he’s only got little legs you can;t blame him for that.

Amnesia: The Dark Descent: First Impressions (Part 1)

Where do I begin? Today marked my first encounter with a modern horror game. To be more specific, Amnesia: The Dark Descent, and sweet baby Lucifer, I swear that, whilst playing the game, I began to genuinely shake with fear. Honestly, if I was for some reason replaced by Michael J Fox, nobody on earth would be able to tell the difference.

Hosted at Universal Videogame List www.uvlist.net

My adventure began as I found myself trapped within the shadowy confines of some old castle. My head was throbbing from what I can only assume was a good old night out on the piss. It was at this point that I began to wonder what exactly Amnesia: The Dark Descent wanted to actually be. In my opinion, the odd door creaking open and the all too frequent sounds of crumbling rocks didn’t do much for me in terms of building an atmosphere. I did however, valiantly push onwards. After a short while, Amnesia: The Licorice Landslide began to do what Southern American’s have been doing for centuries, it came into its own. One specific scene that is still at the very front of my mind took place within a heavily flooded area of the map. I had previously come face to face with those fish eyed monsters to whose faces lacked faces, and have to say that what lurked beneath that water made my ass hole stretch to a size larger than that of even the most savagely performed prostate examination.

By donating just 5 pounds a month you can help starving children like Agrippa

By donating just 5 pounds a month you can help starving children like Agrippa

My favourite feature in Amnesia: The Obscure Prolapse’s arsenal was the simple lack of monsters. I found myself only truly terrified when the game left me alone, to build a mental image of what evils may be lurking in the shadows surrounding me. When realistically, 99% of the time, the only thing that posed any great threat to me was receiving an impending  splinter whilst swinging a door open a little too forcefully. I will continue my review of Amnesia: The Overcast Contraction in part 2, where I wish to delve balls deep into the both the visuals and sound design of the game.

Only the inclusion of The Sausage Demon would have made the game even more terrifying

Only the inclusion of The Sausage Demon would have made the game even more terrifying

Stay tuned!

 

Should I try horror Games?

 

When you gaze at the devil, the devil gazes back!

When you gaze at the devil, the devil gazes back!

I wish to keep this post in the same shape as a leper’s penis, short, and hopefully with a point on it. Would it be of any interest, or more importantly, would it be entertaining to you if I reviewed a horror game? My fudge-dragon of a nephew wishes for me to play a game named “Amnesia”. Is Amnesia any good? Would I enjoy it? Let me know in the comments if you wish to see my profoundly intellectual thoughts on the game!

The Forest: Revisited

the forest

Today I took it upon myself to give The Forest another try Mostly because I have nothing else to play, and  Perhaps I may have reacted a little too harshly towards the game. After all, it is pre-alpha (whatever the fuck that means). I will be wholeheartedly clear right from the start of this review too, The Forest, in my genuine, unfavoured opinion, can only be compared to the first black fighter pilot. Sure, it may look the part, but its almost impossible to see when it gets dark and you can’t help but feel as though shits flying everywhere.

I wish to, once again, review my play through of The Forest in the form of a nifty little timeline! But, this time I want you to review my play through by taking what you wish from a selection of screenshots that I took at key points in my adventure!

10 minutes to death:  

fuck sharks

 

7 minutes to death:

2014-06-06_00003

Finding leaves underwater is one of my favourite pastimes

5 minutes to death:

Everybody calm the fuck down, I found a leg!

Everybody calm the fuck down, I found a leg!

 

1 minutes to death!

Have you ever been so angry that you hit a motherfucker with another motherfucker?

Have you ever been so angry that you hit a motherfucker with another motherfucker?

Well, I hope you enjoyed that. I wanted to try something different and most likely failed, but let me know in the comments below! What do you think happened in my play through?

 

Younger Gamers Don’t Know S*#t

I still get hard looking at this...

I still get hard looking at this…

I am, as you may remember, on holiday. So, I shall try to keep this as brief as possible. I met a young Scottish fellow today named Ethan. Ethan was at first, understandably shocked at the ambiguous revelation that I was in fact a gamer much like he was. It was though, when he began to lay upon my ears, his tales of gaming glory, that I felt a little taken back. Does this kid have any idea how much his stories pale in comparison to any elder gamer’s stories? Does he know the shit I have seen? Whilst tales of taming mighty dragons and stories of defeating Bioshock on its hardest difficulty may at first, in his nubile young mind stand out as legendary in their own status’s, they do as I said above, pale pathetically in comparison to my own, or to anybody from my gaming generation for that matter. Ethan, you are speaking to a man to whom genuinely defeated Tetris whilst being so high on whichever drugs were popular at the time that, at the same time as playing said game, was contemplating heavily whether of not he should stick his cock into his pet parakeet.

The bottom line is. My parakeet died tragically. But most importantly, you should have some respect for your peers, they were your age once and experienced the same thing you are right now!

I am Being Taken Away Today…

oap

I can imagine that right now, your mind if rife with colourful visions of me being taken away to some retirement home, flailing my arms around like some kind of shrivelled up old rag doll whilst profusely yelling something about being afraid of leaving my pet dog at home alone, even though the dog died seven years ago, and I had in correlation, been both feeding and bathing a paper towel tube with four small straws attached to it for said seven years…Because that’s what old folk do apparently.

More realistically and far closer to the truth, later today I shall be taking a break from my far too obviously mundane, obsessively self loathing life. I am travelling up to the the nipple inverting, chilly peaks of Scotland, a place to which remains the only destination other than my home that still holds anything I find even remotely interesting, or more importantly, constitutes any validity on my parting with any amount of money.

I will return soon though, so keep those little peepers peeled!

The Forest: First Impressions

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Today, I took it upon myself to purchase The Forest. A game to which my dear nephew had done nothing but blabber on about for months on end. Surely, if that self entitled little ass-weasel expected this game to be nothing short of willy-hardeningly astonishing, he had to be right! Oh, how disappointed and shocked he was. In fact, I Haven’t seen such a level of stupendous, nauseating disgust on a persons face since that time in 1944 when Adolph Hitler turned up at the British Gas headquarters wearing nothing but his shower cap.

Let me make like Jack the Ripper and not just beat around the bush by stating outright that The Forest is terrible from the word go. The game is described to be a large, open world, survival/horror adventure! But, I can tell now now, that much like most of my Polish neighbours, it doesn’t work. It is hard to know where to begin with my play through of The Forest since said play through lasted for a whole…Eight minutes. Instead, let me make a list. Everybody loves a god list!

4 minutes in: The game remembered that it was in fact a video game and not a sausage-roll and decided to load up. The opening scene was actually, quite impressive. Both you and your son (unless he’s a catholic priest that is) are simply relaxing on board an aeroplane. That is until, expectedly, the plane crashed to the ground quicker than Garry Busey’s head did shortly after birth.

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In the event of an emergency, practice yoga

5 minutes in: So, I wake up, dazed and confused, only to find that Dhalsim from Street Fighter wishes to kidnap my unconscious son. After a few seconds he…IS THAT A COCK! OH SWEET JESUS, GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

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Penis shot added for closer inspection of Dhalsim’s dong

6 minutes in: With the sight of Dhalsim’s penis still fresh in my mind. immediately after obtaining a small axe I exited the plane wreckage. The view was actually quite breathtaking. The trees were incredibly detailed and large luggage backs littered the..OH FUCK ITS HAPPENING AGAIN!

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I present to you, sudden creepy tit lady!

7.50 minutes in: By this point my mind was struggling to cope with what was happening around me. In what was probably a desperate, utterly confused bid for freedom, I spun myself around and started to flee. At least I would have, had it not been for being instantly teleported to what I can only describe as “the world between theirs and ours”.

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“COME TO THE LIGHT CAROLINE!”
“No mum, the lights where the cocks and tits are!”

 

Overall, this has to be one of the largest messes I have ever seen, and trust me on that one, I have witnessed my fair share of Japanese web videos…