I may or may not be back

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I may be returning to the blogging scene…Christ almighty, have I missed it. I’ve been tremendously busy lately and to be honest, my blog was suffering so much like with the family dog, I took it out back and put it out of its misery. Misery, here of course being used relatively predicatively as a synonym for ceasing my blogging antics, and by “family dog” I am obviously referring to my ex-wife, and by “took it out back” I mean…LISTEN, THE COPS SAID THE STAINS AND THE CLOWN OUTFIT WERE INCONCLUSIVE!

Watch this space, or see if I post anything new, your best bet being the latter. On a parting note, and as something to ponder upon. As my old dad used to say. Son what’s ET short for? well he’s only got little legs you can;t blame him for that.

Amnesia: The Dark Descent: First Impressions (Part 1)

Where do I begin? Today marked my first encounter with a modern horror game. To be more specific, Amnesia: The Dark Descent, and sweet baby Lucifer, I swear that, whilst playing the game, I began to genuinely shake with fear. Honestly, if I was for some reason replaced by Michael J Fox, nobody on earth would be able to tell the difference.

My adventure began as I found myself trapped within the shadowy confines of some old castle. My head was throbbing from what I can only assume was a good old night out on the piss. It was at this point that I began to wonder what exactly Amnesia: The Dark Descent wanted to actually be. In my opinion, the odd door creaking open and the all too frequent sounds of crumbling rocks didn’t do much for me in terms of building an atmosphere. I did however, valiantly push onwards. After a short while, Amnesia: The Licorice Landslide began to do what Southern American’s have been doing for centuries, it came into its own. One specific scene that is still at the very front of my mind took place within a heavily flooded area of the map. I had previously come face to face with those fish eyed monsters to whose faces lacked faces, and have to say that what lurked beneath that water made my ass hole stretch to a size larger than that of even the most savagely performed prostate examination.

By donating just 5 pounds a month you can help starving children like Agrippa

My favourite feature in Amnesia: The Obscure Prolapse’s arsenal was the simple lack of monsters. I found myself only truly terrified when the game left me alone, to build a mental image of what evils may be lurking in the shadows surrounding me. When realistically, 99% of the time, the only thing that posed any great threat to me was receiving an impending  splinter whilst swinging a door open a little too forcefully. I will continue my review of Amnesia: The Overcast Contraction in part 2, where I wish to delve balls deep into the both the visuals and sound design of the game.

Only the inclusion of The Sausage Demon would have made the game even more terrifying

Stay tuned!

 

Should I try horror Games?

 

When you gaze at the devil, the devil gazes back!

I wish to keep this post in the same shape as a leper’s penis, short, and hopefully with a point on it. Would it be of any interest, or more importantly, would it be entertaining to you if I reviewed a horror game? My fudge-dragon of a nephew wishes for me to play a game named “Amnesia”. Is Amnesia any good? Would I enjoy it? Let me know in the comments if you wish to see my profoundly intellectual thoughts on the game!

The Forest: Revisited

Today I took it upon myself to give The Forest another try Mostly because I have nothing else to play, and  Perhaps I may have reacted a little too harshly towards the game. After all, it is pre-alpha (whatever the fuck that means). I will be wholeheartedly clear right from the start of this review too, The Forest, in my genuine, unfavoured opinion, can only be compared to the first black fighter pilot. Sure, it may look the part, but its almost impossible to see when it gets dark and you can’t help but feel as though shits flying everywhere.

I wish to, once again, review my play through of The Forest in the form of a nifty little timeline! But, this time I want you to review my play through by taking what you wish from a selection of screenshots that I took at key points in my adventure!

10 minutes to death:  

 

7 minutes to death:

Finding leaves underwater is one of my favourite pastimes

5 minutes to death:

Everybody calm the fuck down, I found a leg!

 

1 minutes to death!

Have you ever been so angry that you hit a motherfucker with another motherfucker?

Well, I hope you enjoyed that. I wanted to try something different and most likely failed, but let me know in the comments below! What do you think happened in my play through?