I may or may not be back

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I may be returning to the blogging scene…Christ almighty, have I missed it. I’ve been tremendously busy lately and to be honest, my blog was suffering so much like with the family dog, I took it out back and put it out of its misery. Misery, here of course being used relatively predicatively as a synonym for ceasing my blogging antics, and by “family dog” I am obviously referring to my ex-wife, and by “took it out back” I mean…LISTEN, THE COPS SAID THE STAINS AND THE CLOWN OUTFIT WERE INCONCLUSIVE!

Watch this space, or see if I post anything new, your best bet being the latter. On a parting note, and as something to ponder upon. As my old dad used to say. Son what’s ET short for? well he’s only got little legs you can;t blame him for that.

Amnesia: The Dark Descent: First Impressions (Part 1)

Where do I begin? Today marked my first encounter with a modern horror game. To be more specific, Amnesia: The Dark Descent, and sweet baby Lucifer, I swear that, whilst playing the game, I began to genuinely shake with fear. Honestly, if I was for some reason replaced by Michael J Fox, nobody on earth would be able to tell the difference.

My adventure began as I found myself trapped within the shadowy confines of some old castle. My head was throbbing from what I can only assume was a good old night out on the piss. It was at this point that I began to wonder what exactly Amnesia: The Dark Descent wanted to actually be. In my opinion, the odd door creaking open and the all too frequent sounds of crumbling rocks didn’t do much for me in terms of building an atmosphere. I did however, valiantly push onwards. After a short while, Amnesia: The Licorice Landslide began to do what Southern American’s have been doing for centuries, it came into its own. One specific scene that is still at the very front of my mind took place within a heavily flooded area of the map. I had previously come face to face with those fish eyed monsters to whose faces lacked faces, and have to say that what lurked beneath that water made my ass hole stretch to a size larger than that of even the most savagely performed prostate examination.

By donating just 5 pounds a month you can help starving children like Agrippa

My favourite feature in Amnesia: The Obscure Prolapse’s arsenal was the simple lack of monsters. I found myself only truly terrified when the game left me alone, to build a mental image of what evils may be lurking in the shadows surrounding me. When realistically, 99% of the time, the only thing that posed any great threat to me was receiving an impending  splinter whilst swinging a door open a little too forcefully. I will continue my review of Amnesia: The Overcast Contraction in part 2, where I wish to delve balls deep into the both the visuals and sound design of the game.

Only the inclusion of The Sausage Demon would have made the game even more terrifying

Stay tuned!

 

Should I try horror Games?

 

When you gaze at the devil, the devil gazes back!

I wish to keep this post in the same shape as a leper’s penis, short, and hopefully with a point on it. Would it be of any interest, or more importantly, would it be entertaining to you if I reviewed a horror game? My fudge-dragon of a nephew wishes for me to play a game named “Amnesia”. Is Amnesia any good? Would I enjoy it? Let me know in the comments if you wish to see my profoundly intellectual thoughts on the game!

The Forest: Revisited

Today I took it upon myself to give The Forest another try Mostly because I have nothing else to play, and  Perhaps I may have reacted a little too harshly towards the game. After all, it is pre-alpha (whatever the fuck that means). I will be wholeheartedly clear right from the start of this review too, The Forest, in my genuine, unfavoured opinion, can only be compared to the first black fighter pilot. Sure, it may look the part, but its almost impossible to see when it gets dark and you can’t help but feel as though shits flying everywhere.

I wish to, once again, review my play through of The Forest in the form of a nifty little timeline! But, this time I want you to review my play through by taking what you wish from a selection of screenshots that I took at key points in my adventure!

10 minutes to death:  

 

7 minutes to death:

Finding leaves underwater is one of my favourite pastimes

5 minutes to death:

Everybody calm the fuck down, I found a leg!

 

1 minutes to death!

Have you ever been so angry that you hit a motherfucker with another motherfucker?

Well, I hope you enjoyed that. I wanted to try something different and most likely failed, but let me know in the comments below! What do you think happened in my play through?

 

Younger Gamers Don’t Know S*#t

I still get hard looking at this…

I am, as you may remember, on holiday. So, I shall try to keep this as brief as possible. I met a young Scottish fellow today named Ethan. Ethan was at first, understandably shocked at the ambiguous revelation that I was in fact a gamer much like he was. It was though, when he began to lay upon my ears, his tales of gaming glory, that I felt a little taken back. Does this kid have any idea how much his stories pale in comparison to any elder gamer’s stories? Does he know the shit I have seen? Whilst tales of taming mighty dragons and stories of defeating Bioshock on its hardest difficulty may at first, in his nubile young mind stand out as legendary in their own status’s, they do as I said above, pale pathetically in comparison to my own, or to anybody from my gaming generation for that matter. Ethan, you are speaking to a man to whom genuinely defeated Tetris whilst being so high on whichever drugs were popular at the time that, at the same time as playing said game, was contemplating heavily whether of not he should stick his cock into his pet parakeet.

The bottom line is. My parakeet died tragically. But most importantly, you should have some respect for your peers, they were your age once and experienced the same thing you are right now!

I am Being Taken Away Today…

I can imagine that right now, your mind if rife with colourful visions of me being taken away to some retirement home, flailing my arms around like some kind of shrivelled up old rag doll whilst profusely yelling something about being afraid of leaving my pet dog at home alone, even though the dog died seven years ago, and I had in correlation, been both feeding and bathing a paper towel tube with four small straws attached to it for said seven years…Because that’s what old folk do apparently.

More realistically and far closer to the truth, later today I shall be taking a break from my far too obviously mundane, obsessively self loathing life. I am travelling up to the the nipple inverting, chilly peaks of Scotland, a place to which remains the only destination other than my home that still holds anything I find even remotely interesting, or more importantly, constitutes any validity on my parting with any amount of money.

I will return soon though, so keep those little peepers peeled!

The Forest: First Impressions

Today, I took it upon myself to purchase The Forest. A game to which my dear nephew had done nothing but blabber on about for months on end. Surely, if that self entitled little ass-weasel expected this game to be nothing short of willy-hardeningly astonishing, he had to be right! Oh, how disappointed and shocked he was. In fact, I Haven’t seen such a level of stupendous, nauseating disgust on a persons face since that time in 1944 when Adolph Hitler turned up at the British Gas headquarters wearing nothing but his shower cap.

Let me make like Jack the Ripper and not just beat around the bush by stating outright that The Forest is terrible from the word go. The game is described to be a large, open world, survival/horror adventure! But, I can tell now now, that much like most of my Polish neighbours, it doesn’t work. It is hard to know where to begin with my play through of The Forest since said play through lasted for a whole…Eight minutes. Instead, let me make a list. Everybody loves a god list!

4 minutes in: The game remembered that it was in fact a video game and not a sausage-roll and decided to load up. The opening scene was actually, quite impressive. Both you and your son (unless he’s a catholic priest that is) are simply relaxing on board an aeroplane. That is until, expectedly, the plane crashed to the ground quicker than Garry Busey’s head did shortly after birth.

In the event of an emergency, practice yoga

5 minutes in: So, I wake up, dazed and confused, only to find that Dhalsim from Street Fighter wishes to kidnap my unconscious son. After a few seconds he…IS THAT A COCK! OH SWEET JESUS, GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

Penis shot added for closer inspection of Dhalsim’s dong

6 minutes in: With the sight of Dhalsim’s penis still fresh in my mind. immediately after obtaining a small axe I exited the plane wreckage. The view was actually quite breathtaking. The trees were incredibly detailed and large luggage backs littered the..OH FUCK ITS HAPPENING AGAIN!

I present to you, sudden creepy tit lady!

7.50 minutes in: By this point my mind was struggling to cope with what was happening around me. In what was probably a desperate, utterly confused bid for freedom, I spun myself around and started to flee. At least I would have, had it not been for being instantly teleported to what I can only describe as “the world between theirs and ours”.

“COME TO THE LIGHT CAROLINE!”
“No mum, the lights where the cocks and tits are!”

 

Overall, this has to be one of the largest messes I have ever seen, and trust me on that one, I have witnessed my fair share of Japanese web videos…

Why I Hate Video Game Voice Acting

I remember a time long before the inclusion of voice acting in video games. Come to think of it, I don’t accurately recall any of the video games I played as a young, handsome man employing the use of sound in any shape or form. At the most one could, under the utmost opportunistic conditions become witness to the subtle, often mentioned but rarely substantiated, electronic boop. Back then, to hear such a boop was considered a great honour in retro-gaming society. We called such prophets Boopsters. Deluges of gamers would often, precariously flock to a Boopsters home, with the hope in mind of perhaps attaining the secrets of said Boopster’s galactically revered, omnipresent, audio perceiving skills. On such occasions, it would’t have been uncustomary for one gamer to vigorously lick a Boopsters earlobes whilst another gamer presented the higher-being with extravagant gifts.  But, what do i know. Much like a bi-curious Muhammad Ali, I’m way past my prime and spending my days shakily making ends meet.

Resident Evil

Resident Evil is, in the eyed of any deluded survival horror fan, the rusty staple that once held together the entire genre! The game play had a nice slow pace to it and to boot, an atmosphere that even the most lavish of pool parties at Michael Barrymore’s 
house would struggle to match. It may then come as a surprise then to most of you kids that there was something else that made Resident Evil so memorable. The voice acting. To put into perspective just how bad both of these things were I am simply going to share with you, a few of my favourite moments.. At the very start of the game, just as you enter into the mansion, if you were to try and open the door to which you entered through, one character would hastily turn to you and yell this golden nugget of shit… 

DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!

The next shining example needs no explanation, mainly because I can’t think of one. 

Jill…The master of unlocking!

 The third and final nail in Resident Evil’s play school nativity script is my overall favourite.

Weapons work great against living things…(Skip to the thirty second mark!)

Ah, so Barry does have a very firm grasp of the fucking obvious!.

Ret me see, the translation is coming arong rovery

Time Crisis “Don’t cum!”
Most of you remember time crisis right?. That fast paced, action packed arcade shooter? The one to which both you and your friends used to obsess over. You enjoyed it thoroughly! Even though the LDC screens were almost all of the time, cracked to fuck…Well, Time Crisis in my eyes had one of the single worst, well, badly translated scripts in video game history! 
I would write another one of my heavily elongated paragraphs detailing just how astonishingly hilarious it is, but I think this video sums it all up perfectly.

Time Crisis intro (the 50 second mark…I wont lady!)

Stay tuned for part two…Yes, it gets worse!

 

 

Ye Olde Sega Collection

Here’s something special I wish to share with the my fellow Retro gamers. Please go grab a tissue before viewing. If that last statement seemed nonsensical to you, you may be and most likely are thicker than the big-print version of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens.

Never view under a black light…

The select few of you to whom strive with great effort in a lifelong attempt in potentially, one day be referred to as ever so slightly more intelligent than a arthritic wombat may be, upon rigorous inspection, quite privy to the lack of anything even remotely resembling a “collection” in the above image. You would be correct in thinking so, as with ex-wives comes great loss. That loss obviously being my classic gaming collection, not the bitter old wench to whom stole them from me. I did, back in the day, own almost every console one could purchase, but now, what you see above is all I have.

Contained within that image though, is more gaming history and cartridge based pizazz than would be contained in any collection you could build up with a modern console. So, what do we have then?

• Sonic the Hedgehog, both one and two. Two of the greatest sidescrollers in the history of video games.

• Desert Strike/Jungle Strike, which to some are considered to be two of the first true pioneers in top down, simulation action.

• Super Hang-on. I wont go into detail on this one but please, for the love of all that is Janet Jackson’s sneaky nipples, listen to Super Hang-on’s soundtrack at least once before your inevitable decent to hell.

• Mortal Kombat 2. It had shockingly realistic visuals back at the time of release, and contained more violence than the Mason family’s yearly photo album

• PGA Tour Golf. This one is actually a total and absolute bag of horse shit. It just kind of appeared in my collection.

• Sega Mega Drive 6 in 1 cartridge. Sega Socker, Columns, Super Monaco GP, Revenge of Shinobi, Sonic the Hedgehog and streets of rage…What more need I say…Wait, sonic the fucking hedgehog again….

Do you have a collection? If so please share! And remember, the Grave Keeper from Fable had the greatest job in the world…Hundreds of people working below him!

 

 

Older Gamers Need a Voice!

I believe in two things. That my opinions matter greatly and are, through the lack of easy to use and understandable access, overshadowed by those expressed by the younger gaming demographic. The second being that my ability to cook Minute Rice in fifty-nine seconds should be more widely accepted as god-like and coveted by most third world countries…

I believe that gamers, but more importantly, the older gamers need to have a voice. We deserve the right to voice our views publicly, and to have just as much input into the world of video games as our younger counterparts have. I wish to become the glimmering, yet stern face of my gaming generation. Like a prison shower lover who gently caresses your hair as he ploughs your anus to oblivion. I am to the gaming community what Shaquille O’neal was to basketball, a bit too long and dark but he did his job well either way!

Never forget that I was around for the golden age of video games, long before the days of knife crime and suicidal internet teens!