While I may be somewhat stuck in the past in terms of gaming, there were a few modern games that I actually enjoyed. That was until the sequel train came to town and ran over all of the puppies!
Team Fortress 2 Xbox 360
“The game doesn’t need update…I NEED MORE FUCKING CHINS!
Let me say right off the bat that I absolutely loved Team Fortress 2 on PC. It was fast paced, fun, hectic and most of all, simple. Sometimes I would lay with Team Fortress by the fire, naked, holding a hot dog in my hand. Team fortress 2 was extremely popular on PC. With the constant content updates, the amazing amount of community created mods available and the Tidal wave of retainers and acne that is it’s online community.
So the announcement that Team Fortress 2 would be included in The Orange Box (a collection of Valve games) should have been the delicious icing on top of the cake right?. Well the problem is that while Valve did admittedly do a great job of porting the game onto the Xbox 360, they forgot about one very simple, fundamental thing. This was that they had ported the fucking game to the Xbox 360 in the first place. You know all that content that those pc gamers got, The Xbox got none of it. Thus leaving the Xbox 360 community millions of potential players short.
So in short, Team Fortress 2 on the Xbox 360 was like that ‘special’
kid your mum decided to invite to your tenth birthday party. At first you didn’t mind that he was eating all the buns and drinking all the Pepsi, but once he had managed to piss himself all over your bedroom floor you kind of gave up on him.
4. Resident Evil 5
Chris don;t like your kind round here darkie!
By now I can only guess that if you have not played Resident Evil 4 on any one of it’s 300 ports that you must have been living under a small rock situated on Mars since January of 2005. You see Resident Evil 4 was in my view the game that redefined third person shooters. So a sequel that followed Resident Evil 4’s formula mechanic for mechanic would have been an instant success right?. The short answer, No. The long answer, Chris I can’t do that!.
Let me explain to you the three major flaws that Capcom failed to notice while creating Resident Evil 5.
1. Resident Evil 4 and most Resi’s before were single player games. Any horror game buff will tell you that adding another player into the mix is like when modern day rappers add hats on top of the hats they are already wearing. It does not make sense!.
2. I am not one of those people that believes every white guy today is a racist. I
started playing Resident evil 5 and didn’t mind at all that the bad
guys were black. There were a lot of them but much like a with a pick and mix full of chocolate drops, there where a few whites scattered among them. It was of course when I reached the halfway point of the game, and started facing off against half naked, skirt wearing, spear chucking black folk that I started to question Capcoms world view. Perhaps the titles ‘Chris Redfield VS the third world’ or ‘ Chris takes on them darkies’ would have better suited the kind of game that Capcom had in mind for Resident Evil 5.
3. Resident Evil games are set at night for a damn good reason!.
3. Final Fantasy 13 Aka Final Fantasy 1111111111111/1.0
This is an actual in-game screenshot
I am at heart, a huge Final Fantasy fan-boy. So, going against all of my rage and self reservations regarding the stinking pile of fuck that is modern gaming, I went out and purchased FF13 on release. And right from the start of the game my grumpy-old-gamer-senses were tingling. It seemed as though Square Enix just want to make movies. 70% of my
play through of FF13 was spent watching the asses of kids that I assume all shop at ’emo’s R us’ bitching about various pointless ‘heartfelt’ scenarios. FF13 game has far too many cut-scenes.
The second rather odd thing that I couldn’t help but notice during most of the cut-scenes was the blatant undertone of paedophilia that most of these Japanese RPG’s seem to have. You can go right ahead and tell me that some of the characters are just very close friends and that ‘they just look young’, but when the redhead in your team yells “Ahhhhhhhhhh” every fucking time she so much as lifts her little toe, you know something is a bit fishy.
The third and final nail in Final Fantasy thirteen and a half Manchester United nil’s coffin is the overall pacing of the game itself. Boasting that the game opens up after thirty hours of nothing but ball achingly linear game play is not really a point in it’s favour is it?.
2. Silent Hill Homecoming
Here’s the toughest boss in the game
Silent Hill has a very special place in my heart, right next to all of the ice that keeps it pumping. I have very fond memories of staying up staying up till four in the morning playing Silent Hill 2. Staying up so late in fact, that I actually began to hallucinate. You may think that staying up that late is normal for you young gamers but what you don’t understand is the reason behind why I stayed up till 4 playing it. It was not so much that I wanted to play the hell out of it, it was more that I couldn’t bring myself to turn it off and go to bed out of the fear that Pyramid head was going to rape my small anus in my sleep. So Silent Hill Homecoming should have been one of my favourite 360 games right?. (Notice I ask that a lot right?) No, there were many things that made the previous Silent Hill games as good as they were. Silent Hill homecoming failed to keep the most important at its core. In Silent Hill 2 for example you had the constant fear that at any moment your weapon would become nothing more than a flaccid penis in your hands and be rendered useless against the next enemy that the game was about to throw at you. In Homecoming though things were not the same at all. The slightest flick to your enemies nipples would send them to the ground quicker than a suicidal lemming with a fridge strapped to it’s legs. In Homecoming you just don’t have the same willy shrinking sense fear for the evil creatures that you had in the previous games. This reason alone spoiled the game for me.
1. Duke Nukem Forever
I’ve got balls of fail
Yes that’s right, another list of bad games with Duke Nukem Forever at number one. I liked the old Duke’s so go watch some tentacle porn or whatever it is you kids do these days. The thing with Duke Nukem Forever is that I played through the game from start to finish and felt like I was enjoying it every step of the way. Only after reflecting upon my experiences within the game after completion did I realise one very simple thing. Somewhere along the line I had fooled myself into pretending to enjoy the bloated mess that is the game. The entire thing just felt like it was trying far too hard to make me laugh. A good example was when one of Dukes army buddies offered him the master chiefs power armor and Duke responded by saying “Power armor is for pussies!”. That shit is not funny at all. It’s like
that uncle of yours that always has a bit too much cider at a wedding party and decides that the best course of action is to climb up onto the table and start to dance. How you say?. Well, in the 80’s he may have looked like a rock-star but today’s standards he just looks and sounds like a complete old twat. The other reason Duke Nukem Forever deserves to be at number one is the game play in general. The controls make you feel like you are constantly
trying to steer half a cow around a bumpy battlefield. The AI is a complete jumbled mess. One time this mentioned fuckery that is the game’s AI resulted in a half hour hunt for a flying enemy that had managed to get himself stuck in a wall at the other fucking end of the fucking map like he was made out of god damn super glue. Why did I have to search for this airborne dupshit? Because some genius in the development team decided that almost all objective based doors would not open until I had killed every enemy in the area, dusted the floors and cleaned the inside of my Duke’s belly button. The aiming was also dreadfully clunky, even to the point where I had to throw away the long range rifle because every time I tried to snipe somebody I felt like I was trying to hit a fly at 900 feet with a piece of fluff fired from a cats ass hole.
Overall, Duke Nukem will always be the Garry Glitter of video games. We used to love him when we were younger but the stitches in our rectums and the fact that we sleep with our backs against the wall every night mean we wouldn’t let him within a six mile radios of our kids.