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I may or may not be back

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I may be returning to the blogging scene…Christ almighty, have I missed it. I’ve been tremendously busy lately and to be honest, my blog was suffering so much like with the family dog, I took it out back and put it out of its misery. Misery, here of course being used relatively predicatively as a synonym for ceasing my blogging antics, and by “family dog” I am obviously referring to my ex-wife, and by “took it out back” I mean…LISTEN, THE COPS SAID THE STAINS AND THE CLOWN OUTFIT WERE INCONCLUSIVE!

Watch this space, or see if I post anything new, your best bet being the latter. On a parting note, and as something to ponder upon. As my old dad used to say. Son what’s ET short for? well he’s only got little legs you can;t blame him for that.

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Ye Olde Sega Collection

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Here’s something special I wish to share with the my fellow Retro gamers. Please go grab a tissue before viewing. If that last statement seemed nonsensical to you, you may be and most likely are thicker than the big-print version of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens.

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Never view under a black light…

The select few of you to whom strive with great effort in a lifelong attempt in potentially, one day be referred to as ever so slightly more intelligent than a arthritic wombat may be, upon rigorous inspection, quite privy to the lack of anything even remotely resembling a “collection” in the above image. You would be correct in thinking so, as with ex-wives comes great loss. That loss obviously being my classic gaming collection, not the bitter old wench to whom stole them from me. I did, back in the day, own almost every console one could purchase, but now, what you see above is all I have.

Contained within that image though, is more gaming history and cartridge based pizazz than would be contained in any collection you could build up with a modern console. So, what do we have then?

  • Sonic the Hedgehog, both one and two. Two of the greatest sidescrollers in the history of video games.
  • Desert Strike/Jungle Strike, which to some are considered to be two of the first true pioneers in top down, simulation action.
  • Super Hang-on. I wont go into detail on this one but please, for the love of all that is Janet Jackson’s sneaky nipples, listen to Super Hang-on’s soundtrack at least once before your inevitable decent to hell.
  • Mortal Kombat 2. It had shockingly realistic visuals back at the time of release, and contained more violence than the Mason family’s yearly photo album
  • PGA Tour Golf. This one is actually a total and absolute bag of horse shit. It just kind of appeared in my collection.
  • Sega Mega Drive 6 in 1 cartridge. Sega Socker, Columns, Super Monaco GP, Revenge of Shinobi, Sonic the Hedgehog and streets of rage…What more need I say…Wait, sonic the fucking hedgehog again….

Do you have a collection? If so please share! And remember, the Grave Keeper from Fable had the greatest job in the world…Hundreds of people working below him!

 

 

4 Horror Movies That Evacuated my Bowels

Pictured above, an evil little sausage demon!

Pictured above, an evil little sausage demon!


4. IT
Have you seen it? What? It. What’s is it? It’s it. Yes but what is it!?

Hello good sir, one ticket to Nopeville please!

Hello good sir, one ticket to Nopeville please!

IT, for those of you that were still gleefully swimming around in your fathers bean-bag at the time, was originally a short TV horror series released in the early 90’s. It was soon converted into a full length feature movie. Back in the 90’s we had a VCR. Yes that’s right DVD’s were invented, they have not always simply existed, like some kind of plastic Cliff Richard…Wait!. Every Saturday both me and my wife would rent a video from the local video Blockbuster to watch on our huge 19 inch TV with built in 1.0 surround sound. One thing you need to be aware of before I continue with this rather drawn out folly down memory lane is that I was brought up on the horror movies of yesteryear. Back then the most creative monster costumes usually boiled down to a tall man wearing a plastic bin bag on his head. Before playing the movie, we performed all of the correct rituals and did all the proper preparations you did back then prior to watching a movie. I boiled the kettle, my wife made the popcorn, I tuned in the television to help steer it’s calculator like in the right direction of picking up a signal from the VCR, and finally, I did the man’s job…Turning those two, little white circles on the underside of the tape with a butter knife so the that VCR wouldn’t eat it. That last part is true kids, VCR’s actually ate video tapes! Now it was show time. I started the
movie and we both sat back in our sofa. The movie started off fine. Nothing out of the ordinary really for horror flicks at that time. It was of course when the movie got to around the ten minute mark that shit started to get real. Pennywise the dancing clown could be one of the most scare-inducing creations I have ever set my eyes upon. I never really had any phobias before watching that movie. Now, I can’t even look at a clown without freaking the fuck out. You may wonder why I have not told you any details about the movie itself. Well, the reason is that If you have already seen IT then you do not need any information, and if you have not yet had the chance to see this amazing horror movie, you should bloody well do so!

Remember, They ALL float down here. Taken out of context that line could also be played to the same horrific effect by some kind of evil toilet.

3. Alien

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I don’t know whether to be terrified or aroused by this


There are plenty of movies that when I have mentioned them, my nephew and his friends have exclaimed such things a “OMG…I heard somebody died after watching that film”, 
And “one of the crew fell out of a window and died……and the Devil did it!” This, for the uninitiated, is what is known as hype, and most of the time it amounts to utter crap. But for Alien the hype actually had some basis behind it. The movie for the time was indeed extremely horrific and did, admittedly frighten the fuck out of people, myself 
included. The way the creature seemed to slither around the ship unnoticed, like some 
kind of space based, greased up tumble dryer tubing. And the way it could take out nearly the entire crew without receiving so much as flick to the nose. Alien managed to capture the atmosphere of what I would expect it to be like to be so far away from home perfectly. The alien itself, again looked like something I would have drawn on the back of my texts books 
at school. 

In space no one can hear you queef.

2. Paranormal Activity 2 
At first Paranormal Activity reminded me greatly of that one of my nephews ex-girlfriends. She always felt that she had to yell very loudly while other people were trying to talk, and also felt the constant need to tell you she was “So random”. It all seemed a bit over the top and unneeded and had a fringe that even Michael J Fox wouldn’t have missed back when he was a barber.

Never before have I felt such a strong sense of fear towards a lamp...

Never before have I felt such a strong sense of fear towards a lamp…


My friend John called me up one night and said that he had rented Paranormal Activity 2 from Blockbusters. I responded by saying “But I haven’t even seen the first one and you know how I feel about those modern movies”. But, he assured me that it was great! Because the story was apparently, not really that important…Not exactly a point in the films favour I might add. He fetched it over and I set up the 5.1 surround sound (regret it). After the movie had finished we both just kind of sat there, like two cats that had just been hugged by a child with down syndrome. The reason we just sat there is the same reason 
Paranormal Activity 2 is featured on this list. It scared us into complete submission. 
Most of you will, most likely reply to this by assuring me that the movie uses  nothing but cheap scares and lousy thrills. Cheap scares or not, watching this movie in the dark with the
surround sound turned up to the fullest is like being in the no-arms amputee committee and your president has been replaced with a care-bear. You can’t do anything but cry whenever a hug is promised.

One of the movies scenes even made me make what I think may have been a genuinely new sound. This scene took place in the kitchen, like 90% of the rest of the movie did. the female character was sat next to some pots and pans just minding her own business, when suddenly, that god damn low bass rumble began to build. If you aren’t aware of said low bass rumble, its basically the equivalent to having a Transformer whisper dirty nothings into you ears. She starts looking around, obviously sensing that something is about to skull-fuck her. It goes silent for a few seconds and then…BAM!, every single fucking cupboard and drawer flies open and huge clouds of cornflakes start flying all over the bloody place. 


1. The Exorcist
Right after reading this paragraph you will most likely be highly tempted to post a reply that goes something like “The Exorcist is not scary at all dude. I watched it alone in the dark with stand I did not even bat an eyelid”. My reply to that is…1. Don’t talk out of your ass, it makes my post look dirty. And 2. I watched The Exorcist when it was released. Times were different back then as I have said before, it really didn’t take much to frighten us.

Meme face added because I know how hard it is to forget that face...

I somehow made it even scarier 0_o

The movie It horrible. But not in a bad way, in more of a “I couldn’t sleep for days” kind of way. The entire movie just felt so unusual. It was almost all shot in one room yet it still managed to keep me on the edge of my sofa the entire way through. The girls face alone, still haunts me to this day. Hers and Jackie Stallone anyway…

Why Modern Consoles Suck [continued]

Attractiveness is subjective, everybody knows that, but, if you have a face so copiously hideous that you make small children cry, its little wonder that the doctor slapped you across the face at birth. The same can be said for video game graphics…

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Sex dolls, yes, keep with me here please, I swear it will be worth it. Sex dolls are, in today’s society, though expectedly a taboo subject  highly popular. They are in fact, one of the highest grossing “toys” out there. Why are they so popular? Let us be honest with ourselves here and admit that we all know the reason why. They are not real, and therefore, by extension of that aspect, inanimate and totally, but most importantly, inhumanly governable. But, let us try something here. Imagine that you saw an advertisement on the television for a real life sex-doll, and upon a few days of vigorously fighting temptation, you decide to go out and to purchase a real life sex-doll. Once you get home you test out the doll…It then kindly, cooks you dinner. That would be fantastic right? No, obviously. because, Capitan latex abuser, after it cooks you dinner it starts yelling at you, claiming that you don’t respect it’s rights as a woman. You get angry and slap it hard across the face, and then, in true 1940’s cliché, it says sorry. You then storm out of the house. You return home in the morning after spending the night drinking large volumes of alcohol with your friend Jeff, only to find blow-up-Sally’s bloated rubber corpse hanging from the ceiling fan. Now you are not only a murderer but also a potential rapist, and poor Jeff has inadvertently become your accomplice. That for me, sums up the argument on video game graphics.

Your average modern gamer, dressed in hiss formal attire

Your average modern gamer, dressed in his formal attire

    We play video games because we want to do things we can’t do here in the real world. It is, by design, a means of entertainment with only one purpose to serve. To help us unwind. You play a game such as Skyrim because you wish to genuinely feel like a sword wielding, heavily hung, bearded man-beast. You want to sleep at the inns, you want to make rough love to the innkeepers daughters and you want to vanquish even the mightiest of dragons with nothing more than the hairs situated within your belly button. I must say though, that games such as Skyrim are terribly boring for me to play. Imagine if you had a cloning device that could instantly teleport clones to various areas around your home town, so they don’t start filling up the room the teleporters in. The problem is that after a night out on the town you came back home and mistook your teleporter for the lavatory, and now people are staring to see the same shit everywhere. So, with that in mind, again, imagine if Skyrim had photo-realistic visuals. Not the same kind of photo-realistic tat that video game magazines have tacked onto every Gran Turismo game over the past ten years. No, I am talking about trees so real you could touch them, boobs so real you could fondle them. This evolution in graphical prowess would, in my opinion, come with some serious problems. Could you kill a man who looks like, well, a real man? Would you not feel guilty? And how would you smacking a uber-realistic rabbit around the face with a giant war hammer make your girlfriend feel about ever letting you buy that pet dog you keep asking for?

I hope that by now you have a better understanding of why video game graphics aren’t quite as important as your peers would have you believe. If you don’t, then much like with a leper’s cock, you can’t see the point. We need to evaluate every aspect of what actually constitutes for “realistic” visuals in video games before we start claiming for anything to be “photoreal”.

I tried Online Multiplayer Gaming Today…

I often relish the days where my work buddies would travel to my humble abode to play pass the controller. It was a mystical time, a time where men were men, where you were designated one in-game death before you had to pass along the controller to the guy sitting beside you. Well, back then we didn’t actually call them controllers at all. They were joypads. Why? Because when wielding such a device you would experience pure gaming joy, and because it was often back then, at times, used as a female sanitary device…

 

Go back 40 years and you would find a copy of this image stashed underneath my mattress covered in suspicious looking stains...

Go back 40 years and you would find a copy of this image stashed underneath my mattress covered in suspicious looking stains…

Let me continue much in the gentleman’s style of Jack the Ripper and not beat around the bush. Today marked the day that my nephew introduced me to the unimaginative, masochistic world of online gaming. I had for many years previous to today, avoided online gaming in the same way I had avoided SARS, meaning that, I had never conversed with the Chinese and they had happily died without so much as sneezing in my general direction. Which game did I play? Call of Duty 4, a game that was in my nephews opinion, a true classic. I wont go into a great amount of detail for fear of you becoming bored but I can safely say that online multiplayer is not entirely dissimilar to having a dog lick peanut butter off of your balls whilst talking dirty to it. Sure, at the time of committing the deed you enjoyed it to an extent, but after a few hours your going to have the nagging sense of guilt in your mind that you may or may not have said some stuff you will forever link the words with the image your dogs mouth around your shaft, and that there could have been witnesses.

He told me it was a threat...

He told me it was a treat…

The witness in question was my nephew, a boy who has nothing but the utmost respect for my gaming prowess. Let him not forget the great winter of 98 when I beat doom on nightmare difficulty. What he witnessed was his uncle being completely and utterly shamed by people to whom he had never even met. To cut it shorter than a midget in a vice, I died more times than a Jesus/cat hybrid, I endured more under-age insults than a 14 year old’s ex toy and to finish it all off, I literally got banned for “hacking”. Hacking, this is a man who’s technical skills barely exceed correctly typing the words ‘free porn’ into his browser…

 

Something You Didn’t Know About Me

I am contemplating writing up a review of my five favourite horror movies, but would it stray too far from the theme of my blog?

Pictured above, an evil little sausage demon!

Pictured above, an evil little sausage demon!

I am a big old-school horror buff. I have also on occasion, found myself terrified by movies that for all intents and purposes were not filmed or marketed with the horror genre in mind. Take for example ET (The Extra Terrestrial). Yes, you did in fact read that last line correctly. ET scared the balls out of me when it was released in the United Kingdom. As to why it sacred me to such a great extent, to this day I cannot fathom the reason why…I was in my twenties at the time so childhood fears couldn’t have played part. If I was to try and give at least one explanation, albeit a vague one I think it would have to be that ET himself always reminded me of some kind of sausage demon. That may sound a little outlandish, but try to image what would happen if some evil butcher got some of those strings of sausages and squished them together to create a little man.

    Let me know what you think!

The Dead Linger…Dawn of the Floating Houses

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I CAN’T STOP LOOKING…IT’S SO SHINY!

Before I get into The Dead Linger, Much like a can of Febreze, I want to clear some shit out of the air. I am not a fan of zombies. Yes, it is true, not everybody is as fascinated by the concept of zombies as most thirteen year olds would have you believe. There’s nothing even remotely fun, or frightening for that matter about a “threat” that moves at roughly the same speed as a dead cow, and possesses the accumulated intelligence of a custard cream biscuit. The exact same effect could be achieved by replacing the zombies with a group of large freshwater tortoises.

I came across The Dead Linger purely by chance. My good friend Tony just so happened to have the game running on his computer as I arrived at his house yesterday. I watched Tony play the game for a while, and, as I watched the fat bastard click away at his mouse, something hit me. Why isn’t he using his keyboard too? No, what came to me harder than even the most prestigious of porno pop-shots was the nagging feeling that I really liked the look of this game. So, like the caring, loving, pleasant friend I am, I told Tony to go make a cup of tea for me. He did as I had asked, because Tony, like most people our age, have to every so often during the day, make sure that his legs still work. Its surprising, but as you reach fifty it becomes blatantly apparent that appendages can, and will at any given moment, just fall the fuck off of your body.

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Never fuck with any animal that has a bigger cock than you…

The game seems to have you spawn at a random location within the world, and pretty much just lets you do your own thing from there. What I mean by that is that you seem to really be able to go anywhere. I began by heading to a small town which was situated pretty close to what I assumed was a prison (that explains where the coloured zombies are then…Joking!). After slamming the door open, and by slamming I mean spending quite some time trying to slide the damn thing open. The controls for interacting with doors seem horrifically alien to me. But, I am going to put that down to me being out of the loop on some new, popular control scheme for PC games. I found a gun in the living room along with some bullets. I am from The United Kingdom, its a gun to me, I don’t know its fucking name…ONLY THE SOUND IT MAKES WHEN IT TAKES A MAN’S LIFE! I also, found myself a large backpack, which I could use to store all of my new loot in. I then proceeded to raid every other house in the neighbourhood, and my gosh, within minutes I had become a human pack mule. My wares sported a variety of fine objects, such as three bananas, two tins of spam and to top it all off, two guns. After running outside and testing out my weapons on the zombies’s skulls, I headed to the prison on…Wait for it…My very own, shiny little bicycle. I have to say that everything so far, the experience, had blown me away. The sound was eventful and beautifully atmospheric. The game play was fluid and easy to get to grips with. But, the thing that really got me, the thing that first made me want to play it was the feeling of total, unadulterated freedom it gave you as a player. It seems as though the developers of The Dread Singer are aiming to give us a game that, sure, involves zombies, but is mostly focused on the player, and more importantly, they want the payer to do whatever the fuck they want to do.

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Some call it a glitch. I call it zombie survival genius!

Get you’re biggest, most illustrious tampons ready, because I’m about to be a giant c#&t and leave you with the one thing that I disliked about the game. Nothing, nothing at all takes me out of a large, open world gaming experience more than vast, lifeless expanses of pure emptiness. I loved the towns and the prisons, so why not give me more of what I love?